Restless Colorless Black
by Asarikou-chan
Summary: AU. He liked Black. There were many similarities between them.He and "Black" accepted others' colors and emotions …their blame and anger without complaining. However unlike the soundless black, he couldn't bear it anymore.


**Author Note**

The first time I use a style that looks a bit like prompts. They are connected but without specific time skip. The time is quite clear though. The idea could have been elaborated in a chaptered story but I wanted to write an AU in a one-shot form.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon nor the twins nor the cover :)**

* * *

**Restless Colorless Black**

**01. Fake Scream**

If he was an outsider, he would have found the expression on his face hilarious. He was gaping at his friends who grinned from ear to ear. Without even giving him the chance to close the door in their faces(which he was going to do no matter how rude it sounded), they broke into his house, completely ignoring him.

He stood for few precious seconds, gripping the door's knob like a status.

'So what on earth are you doing here?'

'We thought about giving you a surprise visit.'

'Yep. Your birthday is a week from now so we were experimenting, right guys?'

Junpei palmed his face at Takuya's obvious announcement of stupidity. Izumi laughed and tried to fish for another topic. 'Aren't your parents home?'

A failed attempt. 'They aren't. They went to visit Satomi's family.'

Silence fell down like a bad omen. No matter how normal Kouji talked about his step-mother, they couldn't shake off their worries. They couldn't imagine their lives without their parents so it was hard to imagine how Kouji was coping with his life.

'I will bring some drinks.' He decided finally to be a good host and bring something for them. To be honest, he wanted to escape the gloomy atmosphere in the living room.

When he returned with the drinks and some cookies, they were all energetic again. Junpei was discussing with Izumi what to watch, a pile of DVDs were placed by their side. Tomoki was the only one with enough sense to thank him.

'Where is Takuya?'

Tomoki answered, taking a sip from the offered orange juice. 'He said something about discovering your room.'

Before the answer reached its full connotations, a scream was heard. Takuya's.

They ran towards the second floor where Takuya was laying on the floor in front of an open door as if pushed back. However, he didn't look scared or anything. His face conveyed surprise and shock . Shock was strong enough that it prevented Takuya from uttering what his mind was screaming to know.

Izumi did the job though. 'Ummm, Kouji, who is that?' She was pointing at a boy who was sitting on a wheelchair. The boy didn't look as shocked as them.

Her eyes shifted from Kouji to the stranger. The boy's eyes were softer than Kouji's but held something intangible inside them as if it were impossible to know what they really see. The stranger's hair was shorter than their friend. Kouji was behind them so they didn't catch his initial expressions at the whole situation.

'What the hell are you doing here?' he roared in rage, scaring them. The question wasn't aimed at Takuya though.

The boy didn't answer. He softly fisted his palms ad looked at his hips soundlessly.

'I told you to never enter my room.'

'I am sorry.' His voice was small and shaking but wasn't scared.

'Go to your room now!'

His friends were closing the way so the boy couldn't move his wheelchair and it took them a while to realize that. Kouji didn't wait the paralyzed kid to move once they cleared the way. He pushed him roughly, causing the chair to shake violently. Takuya who regained his composure tried to stop him. 'Kouji, you are hurting him.'

'Shut up!' He had never sounded so angry and so open with his emotions like that before. Even Izumi who tried to push the chair herself without caring to know where exactly was pushed harshly.

The destination was the nearest door to Kouji's room. Kouji pushed the boy inside and locked the door with his key.

* * *

**02. Hatred**

It was hopeless to hide their confusion. The couldn't prevent themselves from pocking their noses. Kouji was acting as if nothing happened when they went back to the living room. He had even chosen an action movie to watch and ordered some pizza in case they stayed for dinner which looked like they intended to. They tried to act normally but whenever they looked at Kouji's indifferent expressions, they remembered how shocking he had been earlier.

'Aren't you going to tell us?' Takuya gave up finally and asked.

Pausing the movie, he narrowed his eyes at his best friend. 'You didn't ask.'

Comical anime faces were their direct reactions.

'You mean you would tell us if we asked?' Junpei asked curiously.

'Nope.'

'Hey!'

Indifference left his face and seriousness replaced it. They wondered if it had been a good decision to ask.

'He is my brother.' Blue irises glared at the ceilings chillingly. 'And I hate him.'

'Why?' A logical question.

'He destroyed my life.' He sneered deadly. 'He was the cause of my parents' divorce. They used to fight but he kept getting between them, playing the poor boy who can't take their fights anymore. Eventually he got hurt once in the crossfire and they decided to live apart for his damn sake.'

They didn't interrupt him. 'Mother died because of him. Her house was burned a year after the divorce . Firefighters saw him, leaving the house on his own. Some said he burned it himself. He didn't shed a tear after her death.'

Izumi couldn't prevent the interfering comment. 'It is illogical. How could he burn it? He was a kid.'

'Our home was about to get caught in fire because of him before. He liked to play with matches and preparing small parties of candles in his room.'

'What about his legs?'

Kouji laughed suddenly, scaring them. 'He is faking it. Doctors said that nothing is wrong with his legs. He is pretending not to be able to walk after the fire accident. He deserved it anyway. Otou-san became his guardian again and he married Satomi because he couldn't take care of someone like Kouichi on his own…'

He clenched his fist. 'Did you know why I hate him? Because his existence caused everything to go upside down.'

None of them commented.

* * *

**03. Complex Feelings**

His parents came after ten. He didn't expect them to get earlier anyway. The evident of a previously thrown party was all over the living room as Satomi commented. His father teased, laughing if there were any girls between those friends. He ignored their comments and continued flipping the TV's channels absentmindedly. Satomi didn't even bother to ask if he had dinner already.

Kousei headed directly towards his elder's son room. A sigh was his initial reaction when he found the door closed from outside. He took off his glasses, cleaned them and put them back. It was his strategy to calm down. Otherwise, he would be storming downstairs to give his younger son another lecture.

The room was dark, as expected. The lights weren't on and the window was fully open, inviting undesirable cold air inside. He shivered and turned the lights on. Another sigh greeted the peaceful image of his son sleeping on his wheelchair. A bang of guilt stormed inside him. He closed the window before approaching the sleeping boy.

Gently, he carrid him between his arms and headed towards the bed. Kouichi woke up in the short trip.

'Papa?'

Kousei smiled and helped him to sit. 'Yes, dear?'

Kouichi smiled even wider. 'Did you have fun? How was your visit?'

'It was nice. Next time, I won't take No for an answer. You should come with us.'

Kouichi played nervously with the white blanket. 'I don't want to burden you.'

'Nonsense.' He waved his worries off.

'Now, you should sleep properly and next time don't do something that would lead Kouji to keep you here.'

Kouichi nodded. A simple "I am sorry" followed the nod.

Kousei got closer and gave him a sudden hug. 'It is okay.'

The child clutched his father as tight as he could and whispered in his suit. 'Stay with me, please.' The request was simple and affectionate and he couldn't help but mumbling with agreement. He knew that Kouichi wasn't asking for him to stay by his side then but to be with him in general yet he couldn't leave his side at the moment.

He stayed with him till he fell asleep, a soft smile on his pale lips.

* * *

**04. Desperate**

Kouji was suddenly awake. Wrapped in blackness, he gazed in front of him. To his surprise, he wasn't surprised to see his brother on his wheelchair. Kouichi was partially awake, partially asleep. He was struggling not to fall asleep but at the same time surrendered to lean against the chair's metal arm.

Both recognized the other's presence yet neither of them interrupted his act. Kouichi continued fighting sleepiness while Kouji kept observing his brother's figure for few minutes.

'You want to sleep here?' Kouji patted on his bed. He didn't bother to ask why Kouichi was there to begin with. He simply leant on the nearby wall and sat cross-legged on his bed.

Kouichi raised his head and looked at him in calm wondering.

A small smirk curved the younger twin's lips. 'Then come here on your own. You can walk, can't you?'

Kouichi's position was a half meter far at least. And Kouji didn't seem to care.

Once the offer was provided, the challenge began. Abandoning his wheelchair, he fell to the cold floor. Crawling like a baby to reach the high bed wasn't easy. Was this how babies felt when they want to reach something high?

Kouji watched the scene silently without a hint of guilt. Kouichi's bangs covered his eyes . His expressions weren't clear. Whether he felt anger, humiliation or hatred was hidden behind his midnight hair. Everyone says his brother can walk and he believed them more than believing him. The small scene on stage ended and Kouichi was panting when he leaned on the bed, unable to even stretch his legs or rest his head on the pillow.

'Good.' Kouji muttered bitterly, pulling the blanket further to cover his twin as Kouichi fell into fast sleep. He lied next to his brother; eyes examining the pitch darkness. Blank black smirked sadistically at them.

* * *

**05. Illogical**

'I don't want to!'

It was rare to hear his brother's high pitch so it was logical to follow the voice's source.

Their baby sitter or rather his brother's was fuming with anger. Her milky white face turned red in obvious frustration.

'You need to eat, Kouichi-kun. Satomi-san will be mad if you didn't.' she approached the boy with the food tray. Kouichi looked away, hugging his sketch book tightly.

Kouji joined the scene at the sound of shattering glass. The food was on the floor. The mid-twenties girl exploded. 'What the hell have you done?'

His father had married Satomi to take care of Kouichi but Satomi was completing her higher studies so she hired a babysitter to take care of his brother. Obviously, this babysitter won't last long. It was funny. Kouichi who rarely spoke up didn't mind protesting verbally in front of someone outside their family.

'Stop it. Bring it back!' Kouichi ordered. His hands tried to snatch the sketch book back.

The girl threatened. A victorious smile wrapped her lips. 'I won't till you start eating and if you continued acting stubborn, you won't have it back.'

'Please, bring it back.' Kouichi tried again, ignoring her conditions. After few futile attempts, he intended to leave his wheelchair and unleash himself at his precious sketch book. She didn't seem to notice the shaking metal chair nor the boy's determine eyes to get back what was his. Kouji noticed all that and reacted.

She was shocked to see the previously secured sketch book behind her back with the younger twin.

He narrowed his eyes and glared dangerously at her. 'This is enough for today. Leave.'

She didn't need to hear that twice. They heard the angry slap of the front door less than a minute later.

Ironically, Kouichi wasn't surprised at all. He stretched his hand to retrieve the sketch book however instead of demanding or glaring at Kouji, he meekly looked at the floor. When Kouji didn't hand it to him, he lowered his arm in surrender.

Kouji sighed and placed the sketch book on the nearby disk. He closed the door behind him.

* * *

**06. Contradiction**

They don't have the right to hurt Kouichi. He hadn't done anything wrong to them. The babysitter was like many other people who didn't hesitate to hurt his brother. When Kouichi was attending schools, people teased him, bullied him…and hurt him.

He laughed at the memory of what he did to three older boys after they teased his brother. People have a strange image of their relationship. Back then, he used to abandon his brother and ignore his presence in school. He wouldn't even look at the direction of his brown, wooden desk during classes. Some took it as a sign to be as mean as they wanted towards his elder twin. They were shortly proven wrong. He sent a boy to the hospital once for causing his brother to fall from his wheelchair.

Why? Why did he care? There was no doubt that he hated Kouichi then why did he get angry if the other got hurt? That girl was clever enough to leave before suffering his increased anger.

The answer was simple. Kouichi didn't deserve their bad treatment. He had never caused them any pain. He, Kouji, was the one who was hurt so he was the only one who had every right to be mad at Koouichi. He had every single right to hate him, hurt him…and punish him.

No one else was allowed to.

* * *

**07. Why or Why not?**

_'Which color do you like?' Kouji asked despite knowing the answer. It didn't really matter what more than why._

_'Black.' Kouichi abandoned his crayons and looked at his brother's identical eyes with a confused expression._

_The seven-year-old Kouji didn't pay that much attention. He had grown much skeptical and angry day after another. Simple answers no longer suited him. 'Why? It is too dark. You hate the dark after all.'_

_The elder twin smiled in that sad yet wise way which gave him age over his own. Kouji didn't really know when did he start hating that smile. 'Because it has all colors. Red for love and anger, blue for coolness serenity, green for peace and fertility, orange for fire and warmth, Yellow for sun and brightness and so on. Every color has a meaning but when you mix them together, you get a dirty, messy black.' He paused and frowned before resuming; sadness clouded his features. 'The poor black had to bear all colors. It accepted them all. It is not easy to get a pure black color unless you were careful while mixing them all however it is hard to be objective when you mix love and hatred together. When you have all those confused, different feelings, you have to be black or even colorless. I wish to be like it. I wish to carry others' feelings. Maybe... maybe they would be happier.'_

_Kouji's eyebrows met in confusion and masked dislike. He didn't really understand what his brother's said and couldn't accept it at the same time._

_Kouichi's eyes returned to the colors. His sadness grow further once his eyes fell on the black crayon. It was the least used color generally. A special dark pencil would be used in case someone needed to draw a black background in a sketch. He continued with a heartbreakingly sad tone as if talking to himself and the black color. 'It is like a colorless small bird that wished to visit all colors and pain all his feathers with them. The feathers were smeared with all colors. His wings turned into a horrible black and he couldn't fly again no matter how much he wished to...'_

It was strange to remember an even stranger conversation when he had to use colors for the first time in arts class.

He glared at the innocent black color on his desk before shoving it as far as he could.

He hated black. It was unfair. To others…and to itself.

* * *

**08. A lie...?**

'You hate me, don't you?'

Kouji crossed his arms and looked at the speaker in spite. What was wrong with Kouichi to ask him that question on their birthday of all days. Despite getting confused of the timing, he answered calmly and confidently. 'Sure.'

Kouichi didn't look away but kept gazing at him silently for few seconds before moving his wheelchair towards Kouji at the top of the stairs.

Another question erupted in the same quiet and sad tune. 'It would have been much better if I weren't born thirteen years later, right?'

At this, Kouji lost his calmness. Hatred, anger and agony collided in his heart. His mother's peaceful face appeared in his mind for a second before turning into ashes.

He exploded and cried out hotly, 'Of course, it would be. You killed her. You destroyed everything I held so dear to me. Why didn't you die instead of her?'

'I wonder why?' the same calmness remained in his voice dragging Kouji to his edge.

'If it weren't for you, everything would be perfect. Why should I bear your existence?'

A mocking smile wiped the neutral expression off Kouichi's lips. 'You really hate me?' It came like an old worn realization but it was more than enough to cause Kouji to shake in spitefulness.

'You want me dead?'

A simple, effortless inquire to know. Kouji was speechless, his heart running miles per second. Shock was a surface term that described his feelings then. He had never faced himself with this question. He had always wished to be a single child so none of what had happened would happen but had he ever thought of not really having Kouichi around in reality? Had he ever wished that Kouichi would really die…now?

'Of course.'

It wasn't true. It was an ill thought answer. He didn't really study his words nor felt their meaning till they were already out. His answer was like a tear. He could never take it back.

And Kouichi smiled softly like a melody that was about to be forgotten.

The reply to his answer was faster than the answer itself.

Just then Kouji realized their respective positions. He was lying against the corridor wall while Kouichi was facing him from the top of the stairs. When the recognition reached his mind, it was too late.

Wide eyes gazed, trembling at the fallen figure at the bottom of the stairs. Red blood covered the small mat at the bottom. The chair's wheels were broken and guiltily lying beside the asleep body.

Kouji heard himself screaming his brother's name.

* * *

**09. Illumination**

'He was lucky.' Kousei concluded what the doctor told them. However ,no amount of comforting words would stop Kouji's hands from shaking. Few hours passed since the incident and his parents didn't as him about what happened exactly.

'Kouji?' His father sat by his side, asking for attention.

'He will be fine.'

Kouji remained soundless.

Kousei sighed and looked at the ceilings as if collecting his thoughts. Satomi went home a little bit earlier. They would be allowed to see Kouichi after a while.

'I expected something like this to happen.'

That did attract Kouji's attention. He asked attentively, 'What do you mean?'

'He didn't want you to know but I have to.' Getting silent attention, he added, 'The divorce didn't happen because of him, Kouji. If there was anyone whom we thought about when we decided to leave each other, it would be you.'

Blue eyes widened. Kouji trembled even more yet didn't utter a word.

'Kouichi was worried about you. You were in the third grade when our problems got complicated. Unlike Kouichi, you didn't try to prevent us from fighting to get in the middle nor did you hide your frustration.' He paused, regret was written all over his facial expressions. ' You started acting violently in school. Your teachers were worried. After deep discussion, we concluded that we are the cause of that change in your character so we decided to leave each other. Kouichi had a role in making us realize how we affect you but he hadn't been the cause…'

'It was me.' Kouji muttered in disbelief.

A hand squeezed the boy's right shoulder. 'Don't blame yourself, son! It was our fault . We should have found a better solution than running away.'

'And you let me blame him for years. Why?'

'That wouldn't change anything, Kouichi insisted.'

'There is something else, right? About 'Kaa-san's death,' he demanded to know. Suddenly, all his accusations and beliefs broke down. There must be a reason for that silence whenever he accused him of their mother's death…whenever he blamed him for remaining alive.'

Kousei was struggling not to answer. 'It would be better to know it from Kouichi.'

'Please, Otou-san. I need to know. I kept blaming and hating him for all of my problems till I led him to this.'

Kousei took off his glasses but instead of cleaning them he held them in his fist, careful not to press too strongly to break them.

'Your mother saved him when the house was caught in fire. She helped him to get out and was stuck instead. In short, she chose to die in order to keep him alive. He told me after that incident. However he didn't want you to know.'

It was ridiculous. What was good about taking all the blame? Kouji didn't hesitate to pronounce his thoughts.

'You would blame him both ways.' Kousei answered in a blameless voice. 'If you knew the truth, you might have blamed your mother as well. After all, she preferred to die to keep the brother you hated after the divorce.'

Unfortunately, that made sense. He would doubtlessly blame his mother for leaving him because it would seem as if she preferred his brother's life than staying alive for his sake.

He didn't need to hear that his father was already in love with Satomi even before his mother's death.

* * *

**10. Confrontation**

'He told you, didn't he?'

Kouji expected to hear something along this line when he entered his brother's room in the hospital.

He gave a small nod.

Kouichi sighed. 'I begged him not to.' A smile followed the sigh as he gazed at Kouji's eyes gently. 'I can't blame him, though.'

'Why did you…' He couldn't find a suitable word. Could he even call Kouichi's act as suicide?

'I wasn't going to die.'

'Huh?'

A soft laugh reacted to the totally shocked yet disbelieved expressions on Kouji's face. 'If I wanted to kill myself, I would have done that long time ago.' He pointed at the nearby chair, motioning to Kouji to sit next to him. Kouji didn't protest and sat there silently, eyes fixed on the new wheelchair in the corner.

''Kaa-san died to keep me alive. I can't throw her final gift like this.'

'You could have died!'

'I told you I wouldn't die from falling few steps. The worst could be having a concussion or breaking few bones. Doctors said I was so lucky.'

Kouji gritted his teeth and fisted his hand in frustration. Why was his brother acting as if nothing had happened. There was a chance he could have died. His eyes then looked as if they were accepting death. A shiver ran through his body at the memory.

Ironically, the shiver he felt transferred to his brother's body as he trembled suddenly-out of cold maybe. 'I wanted it to end.'

'What do you mean?'

'I-I wanted to know how you feel. If you wanted me to disappear, I would either try it again or ask Otou-san to send me to a boarding school somewhere. I wasn't fair to you by forcing myself in your life however I was even more selfish when I preferred to be blamed for everything. I thought I would be fine even if you hated me…but I couldn't. I couldn't stay away from you even in our birthdays. I couldn't hold on anymore.'

'So you decided to test me?' Strangely, the question didn't came as a shout. 'What was the answer you received?'

Kouichi hugged himself and replied, stuttering. 'I…don't…know. You said you hated me…but you shouted my name when I fell. You wanted me dead but there was something else in your eyes then…as if you weren't sure.'

'I am scared to know. I thought I would accept your hatred. I didn't want to fall down but I-I had to prove that I can really leave your world even for a second.' He sobbed quietly and stopped fighting his tears. 'I wasn't going to die but at that moment when I closed my eyes…I felt like…like I wouldn't…open them a-again.'

'Idiot.' It was the only thing Kouji wanted to say. He embraced the other tightly, surprising him. Strangely, Kouji was slightly glad to see his brother shed tears. Because they felt real. Because Kouichi wasn't hiding anymore. He looked more human to him.

'I would be disappointed if you didn't feel guilty after nearly causing me a heart attack.' He added affectionately.

'But you hate me?'

Kouji heaved a sigh and rested his head on the other's shoulder tiredly. 'If I hated you, would I stay awake all ngiht despite doctors' claims that you would be fine.' He took another deep breath. 'And that was before Otou-san's explanation.'

'You mean?'

Kouji didn't answer verbally. He only hugged him tighter, smiling when the other's arms wrapped around his back. To be honest, he didn't know how he felt till he talked to him. He wondered if he had hated Kouichi before because of the blame he throw over him. Maybe he was angry at him because Kouichi was accepting everything. When their parents got separated, Kouichi didn't protest at all. He didn't even cry after his mother's death. He had congratulated his father when he got married again. Kouichi seemed too good to be believed. He unintentionally gave him the bad boy image and even then he accepted Kouji's treatment. He hadn't face him before nor had he complain.

He was punishing himself for staying alive.

'Kouji, do you think I can walk again?'

'If you wanted to, you will.'

Fear was the only reason beyond Kouichi's sense of guilt. He had tried to decrease Kouji's hatred by being apathetic himself. It had been subconscious attempt to be helpless as if to tell his brother that he was punished for their mother's death. Over the years, he couldn't even understand why couldn't he walk…

Kouji pushed him slightly to look at his eyes. They were different now, shining with another hopeful light.

'I am sorry.'

Neither needed to apologize but the effect the simple words had when they uttered them at the same moment was precious. Warm and lovely enough that they wanted to repeat the apologize again to have the identical resulting embarrassed expressions afterwards.

**Owari~**

* * *

I hope you enjoyed this little baby fic.

The symbolism of colors depend roughly on my memories in arts' class. The inspiration partly came from Black Rock Shooter.


End file.
